Fifty Alcoholic Beverages

Fifty Improbable Orgasms on Command

Chapter 8: He’s out of control, pacing like a madman in his study, angry, all because Ana told him that she’s a virgin. And then she blushes like crazy when he tells her she’s beautiful. Has she forgotten how suddenly and wildly angry he just became not 10 seconds ago? Is her self-esteem that fragile? She thinks he’s a monster (which, for the record, he’s not, he’s just into S&M. Nothing wrong with that) but she doesn’t want to leave.

He decides to make love to her in order to “rectify the situation.” Wow. That’s clinical. I’m so turned on. All hot and steamy right here.

He calls it training, a means to an end.

There’s a brief but fairly detailed description of his bedroom, white walls, modern furniture in—what else—gray wood, floor to ceiling windows with a fantastic view. We get a little bit more of a description of Mr. Grey. He has copper hair. That’s it. I did say it was only a little bit of his physical description—beyond gorgeous. Then we hear more about his clothing, every stitch of it as he takes his shoes off (Converse—how trendy) and then Ana is blown away by how hot his feet are.

He tells her he likes brunettes but yet he only employs blonde secretaries. Dare we consider why?

His eyes are a dark, stormy gray, then a smoky gray. I think we get it. They’re gray. Use another adjective, or describe another feature to excess.

He wants to watch her pleasure herself, but she doesn’t know what that means. She doesn’t masturbate at all, possibly never has. I think I’ll leave that alone. I don’t even know where to start.

After she orgasms the first time (ever?) she’s looking at Christian with “gratitude and awe” while he’s “satisfied.” Really? Gratitude and awe? There are too many problems with that; I can’t handle it.

She’s completely naked and exposed while he’s still wearing a shirt. I suppose this tells us even more of his wounded and guarded heart, how he can’t bear to be bare in front of her, but I think it’s probably more likely that he wants to maintain control and authority even now. That or he has some wicked scars on his chest. I’d accept either as completely possible in this book.

Why do both Ana and Christian think it’s ironic that he asked if he’d hurt her after vaginal sex? It’s a reasonable question, especially since she was a virgin.

He’s made 2 comments about how soft and beautiful her skin is. I’d be worried. Hasn’t she seen Silence of the Lambs?

She comes 3 times on command. He comes with her almost simultaneously twice. On a reality check scale from 1 (a 13-year-old wrote this with the assistance of a sex-ed book) to 10 (I did this or know someone who has, so it’s totally possible) the first sexual encounter between Christian and Ana rates a 6 (improbable, but stranger things have happened).

Then Ana falls asleep in Christian’s bed and the next thing you know, she’s waking to a “sad, sweet lament” played flawlessly on the piano by a naked Christian.

He’s a lonely figure, untouchable, inscrutable, his moods are unpredictable and sometimes impossible to determine, his background is mysterious and he never fully answers any personal question. It’s easy to see how one could be fascinated by this character, but so far, the author is not forthcoming with any real answers. I suppose this could motivate people to keep reading, but I’m pretty sure most of them are just reading it for the sexy times. So far, beyond his physical appearance (which has still not been described in any great detail) I see no appeal in the idea of jumping into bed with this character, though I am pretty curious to know how he ended up the way he is. His brain is maybe not hot, but at least interesting.

He can’t sleep with someone next to him, and he’s either self-conscious of or has a traumatic memory associated with his chest. He unwillingly removed his shirt when Ana asked him to, but won’t allow her to touch him there—he gets mad at her again.

Christian agrees to tuck her in bed and lay there with her until she falls asleep, because even though she’s never had sex before, she doesn’t like the idea of sleeping alone. Or maybe she doesn’t like the idea of sleeping without Christian? Either way, it’s odd. And then as she’s laying there in bed she comes to the epiphany that Christian has a sad side. Don’t we all?

Whew! Well, I sure need a little something. Cocktails!

Mind eraser 

(from the same old book)

1-1/2 oz. vodka

1-1/2 oz Kahlua

Soda water

Pour Kahlua into an iced old fashioned glass. Add vodka slowly to create a float. Fill with soda water, but don’t mix. Serve with a straw. (I used Jamaican Rum cream in place of Kahlua since we don’t have any Kahlua. Waste not, I say)

Looks like milk, tastes like medicine.

Salty dog

(same book)

1-1/2 oz. vodka (0r gin, if you prefer)

6 oz. fresh grapefruit juice (we didn’t have any, so I used orange juice– again, waste not)

Mix ingredients in a cocktail shaker. Dust the rim of a chilled highball glass with salt. Add cracked ice and strain shaken ingredients into the glass.

Basically a fuzzy navel made with vodka and orange juice.

Well, chapter 8 is finally done, and chapter 9 is upon us. I’m nearly almost halfway done with this book.

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