Fifty Alcoholic Beverages

Fifty Reasons to Get a Restraining Order

Chapter 7: Ana gets thrown unceremoniously into S&M! She tells herself that this is Christian’s version of soft and romantic, but has she already forgotten that he told her just minutes ago that he doesn’t “make love” he “fucks hard”? Apparently so.

He’s dominant and he wants Ana to please him. Notice the terminology. He doesn’t want to make love to her, he wants to fuck her; he wants her to submit to him in everything, and the more she submits, the more it pleases him. She still seems confused and afraid, but not of him, she thinks. But she’s not sure, since she’s so confused. A sensible person would step back and re-evaluate this situation, but not Ana; she just keeps striding forward into a relationship that she’s misinterpreted from the very beginning. Christian says it’s all about trust. The more she submits the more she trusts him and the more she’ll enjoy it and he’ll reward or punish her based on her behavior. She’ll learn what he wants from her this way. Like I said before, however, Christian Grey does not strike me as a trustworthy person, so I know what my answer would be if he asked me to put my name on that contract. The short answer is no. The longer answer is hell, no.

Part of her is horrified and thinks that Kate was right to warn her about him. The rest of her knows that she’s going to say yes to him and that it’s going to be detrimental to her health. I can’t think of a less sympathetic character than one who knows that what she’s about to do is stupid and dangerous for no one but herself but she does it anyway. Lots of unfortunate things happen to women every day and those women can’t do a thing about it, no matter how smart or cautious they are. This girl, our protagonist, willingly puts herself in a position where she is likely to be harmed—she in fact expects to be harmed—even though Christian has given her ample opportunities to run her fool ass out of his apartment and away from him.

It’s not even the physical dangerousness that’s problematic here; it’s the fact that Ana doesn’t really understand what she’s doing. She’s emotionally immature and sexually inexperienced. She wants to develop more than just a physical relationship with this guy; he’s the first guy she’s ever really wanted to have a romantic relationship with, but he is incapable of giving that to her because the dominant/submissive relationship is all he’s interested in. He says he’s drawn to her like a moth to a flame (sound familiar?) as though he’d be hurt by her, when it really seems more like he’s developed some kind of obsession with her. He doesn’t seem to have any interest in an actual relationship, in which 2 people mutually share their lives with each other. In this case, it would be more dangerous for him to continue to be in close contact with her than if he were to leave her alone and let his obsession pass, as it surely would, with time.

He gives her a list of the rules, and oh Lord, the rules. If she agrees to the contract, she signs away her life, every aspect of it, to this psychotically obsessive guy. He wants to control what she eats, how much sleep she gets, what she wears, how often she exercises, her personal hygiene, and romantic relationships, even though he’s told her that the kind of relationship they have with each other is not a romantic one.

Now, I have no personal experience with S&M, but from what I’ve learned, this kind of arrangement does occur. It’s apparently typical for newcomers to S&M to start out with something like this type of lifestyle arrangement—only nowhere near as thoroughly controlling. Being in such total control of another person’s life is exhausting, so on the one hand it’s a good thing that they’re only planning on seeing each other on the weekends so he only has to control her life in a hands-on way 2 days a week. On the other hand, how obsessed with control is Christian that not only does he manage his own company, but also he gets his private kicks micromanaging someone else’s life?

The words “without hesitation” are repeated twice under a heading marked “obedience.” What does that tell you?

I’m actually a little relieved to see his list of hard limits. Can I say that?

And then he’s angry to learn that she’s a virgin. *sigh* Mr. Manic Emotions is back.

Now, for cocktails! I’m two cocktails down and still typing coherently! Woohoo!


from the same book as most of the others, see post 1 in this series, yada, yada, yada.

2 oz. vodka

2 oz. cranberry juice

1 oz. fresh lime juice

3/4 oz. Cointreau (we used Patron orange liqueur. It turned out just fine.)

Stir with cracked ice and strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a lime wedge.

Sex and the City, anyone?

Fuzzy Navel

from the cocktail book

2 oz. peach schnapps

4 oz. fresh orange juice

Mix in cocktail shaker with cracked ice and strain into an iced highball glass. Garnish with orange or peach slice. (Although, I think you can probably tell by now that I don’t really use garnishes at all. You can, if you want.)

It took me a while to work up the ganas to do this blog post, but with any luck, it won’t take so long for me to get chapter 8 up– that is, if anyone is reading this.

2 thoughts on “Fifty Reasons to Get a Restraining Order

    1. Thanks! I’m very disappointed in the Brits for making this more popular (at least among adults, I hope) than the Harry Potter series. Now, those are some good quality books; much more so than this tripe.
      My personal goal now is to not only finish the book but also compile a list of all of the 50 shades spoofs I’ve found/been directed to by friends and make a concluding blog post with links to all of them.
      As a closer goal, chapter 9 promises to be a gold mine of comedic possibility.

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