Fifty Alcoholic Beverages

Fifty Paths to Liver Failure

Chapter 5: Ana wakes up in Mr. Grey’s hotel room after last chapter’s embarrassment. He’s apparently still in town and hanging with his brother for some still unexplained reason. He’s been there for a week by now; doesn’t he have a business to run? Apparently large businesses can effectively function without their CEO for extended periods of time. Maybe this is true, I have no idea, but they’ve got to earn their million-dollar salaries doing something, right?

Christian has just come back from working out just in time to see Ana wake up. The smell of his sweat mixed with body wash is apparently a “heady cocktail” to her.

She asks him how she got to his hotel room and if he’s the one who undressed her and put her to bed. He answers in the affirmative, telling her that he didn’t want to “risk” the upholstery in his car so he brought her here instead of taking her all the way back to her apartment. I suppose I can buy that, but it would have made far more sense for Kate to take Ana home, since she was apparently fine the night before. Was Kate not concerned that her roommate was carried out of the club and to places unknown by a guy she doesn’t know or trust?

Ana hasn’t been awake ten minutes yet before Christian is berating her for not eating enough before going out drinking. He tells her he hates to think of “what could have happened” to her, as though millions of college girls don’t do exactly what she did every weekend and live to tell the tale. Ana’s confused by Christian’s behavior. She can’t figure out that a man who scolds her, stalks her, and sends her crazy expensive gifts is a possessive bastard. It doesn’t matter how attractive he looks; a guy that controlling is usually bad news.

As soon as he leaves the room to shower, Ana muses on her feelings for him. She has never felt for anyone else what she feels for Christian, and she’s confused because she doesn’t understand what she’s feeling. Hold the presses, folks, I think we’ve found the first 21-year-old woman who has never felt sexual desire before. Christian is the only man “who has ever set the blood racing” through her body because what she had been missing from the men in her life before this point was a completely mercurial temperament and the ability to confuse her entirely. Every other man she’s known has not been confusing, difficult or complicated, because every other male character in this book is completely one-dimensional.

Christian comes out of the bathroom “wet and glistening” from the shower, and it’s Ana’s turn in the shower, where she continues her inner monologue. For the first time in her entire life, she wants to “go to bed with a man.” But she thinks he hasn’t made a pass at her, and he’s not molested her in her sleep so he can’t possibly be interested in her. And yet, she’s in his hotel room, he’s bought her clothing, he flirts with her at every turn—what does she think that behavior implies? Is he trying to tell her he wants to be her tennis partner?

His assistant has purchased Ana new clothing, complete with a matching set of lingerie—all a perfect fit. I don’t know how the rest of you do it, but when I’m bra shopping, it takes a while to find the so-called perfect fit. I’ve never heard of a man who can pick out underwear for a woman he has never touched in his life that fits perfectly on the first go. And all of the clothing is a perfect fit, not just the underwear. This assistant has pitched the perfect game.

Christian scolds her when she comes out of the bathroom because her hair is damp and is annoyed because she couldn’t find the hairdryer. Seriously? Get out now, Ana! This guy is a few cards short of a full deck!

Ana must have grown up in an environment where no one really cared about her or was curious about her at all. Every time another character asks Ana a series of more than 2 questions, she thinks it’s an inquisition. She keeps using that word. I don’t think it means what she thinks it means.

He’s ordered breakfast for her, including Twinning’s English Breakfast tea—why is this important? Why does it merit constant mention? Is the author getting royalties?

Christian warns her again that she should stay away from him, even though he can’t stay away from her, but he won’t tell her why he’s so dangerous, nor will he let himself touch her without her written consent. This guy is super shady about revealing to Ana his sexual proclivities. Is he incapable of vanilla sex? It definitely seems like he wants this chick and he’s not shy about controlling every situation he finds himself in, so why doesn’t he just introduce her gradually to his kinks? Isn’t that better than being all cloak and dagger about it?

Ana agrees to go on a date with Christian that evening, when he says that he’ll tell her “the facts.” She’s now so nervous that she can’t finish eating her breakfast, and he gets angry at her for not eating properly. He says it’s because he has an issue with wasted food. Well, I have an issue with wasted food, but you won’t find me getting angry with a guest in my house because they don’t finish all the food on their plate.

This guy has disproportionate reactions. One moment he’s grinning at her, teasing her and then 2 sentences down the page he’s angry with her. Why is this an appealing trait to women across the country? I know some women have fantasies about being desired and dominated by a powerful man, but there’s a lot to be said for trust and Christian has not demonstrated anything resembling trustworthiness. He’s almost the last guy on the planet that I would trust with my laundry, let alone my person.

Then right after he’s gone through the trouble to tell her how dangerous it is to get involved with him and setting up a date later for her to fill out “paperwork” because apparently he’s just that dangerous, he throws caution to the wind and makes out with Ana in the elevator on their way to the car to take her home. Christian Grey is 50 shades of fucked up; blowing hot and cold, alternately overly cautious and reckless, teasing and angry, controlling and out of control.

Cocktail time!

Bacardi Cocktail

(Little black book of cocktails, yada, yada, you should know by now, see my review of chapter one for full details)

1-1/2 oz. Bacardi light rum (we didn’t use Bacardi. I don’t think it matters.)

Juice of 1/2 fresh lime

Few drops of grenadine (we used more than a few drops)

Shake ingredients in a cocktail shaker with cracked ice. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass.

Probably would have been better with not-cheap rum.

Screwdriver

(same book)

2 oz. vodka

Freshly squeezed orange juice (no seeds, please)

Pour vodka into an iced highball glass and fill with orange juice. Garnish with an orange slice.

Note: the vodka to orange juice ratio here is about 1:500.

We’ve nearly finished the vodka. I’m torn between pride and shame about that.

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